As you’ve probably noticed I’ve been a bit quiet on here of late (understatement, I know). I’ve been busy, don’t worry… spent 2 years working on a contract which came to an end at the end of last year.
I’m returning to freelance work, and setting up a couple of other businesses – please pop along to Angels Playing Skittles for more information.
Anyway, I digress, from the purpose of this post.
What IS a Ghost I hear you say? surely you aren’t being haunted by an etherial being?
Ghosts are people who ghost you out of their lives. You talk to them, normally by social media or messaging, and they ignore you back.
Why am I blogging about it?
Well… pull up a chair, put your feet up and let me tell you about a little story that I like to call ‘internet dating fucking sucks’ and ‘humans can be utter selfish mother fuckers at times’. (the rant-o-meter is off the fucking charts at this point in time)
For those of you who know me personally, you’ll know that I’m single and have been for over 6 and a half years (not that I’m counting, OK, yes alright I AM counting, shut up).
Last year I felt I’d like to try and dip my toe back in the dating pool (shark infested waters that will get it ripped off more like). It turns out, the only way you can meet singles if you don’t have a large social circle, have a sporting hobby or work in an office is if you do internet dating.
I have put it off for years. Mainly because I know it’s a festering cess pit of humanity with the occasional decent person wondering, like me, why they’re finding themselves on there.
To those of you who are single, I’m sure you’ve had conversations with your friends and family that go something along the lines of
Friends / Family (FF): you’ve been single for ages… why don’t you try internet dating?
You: No thanks, I doubt I’m going to meet anyone serious on there.
FF: Why not? My friend / cousin / brother / sister / dad / mum met their spouse / partner / husband / wife (etc) on [add dating site]
You: where did you meet your other half?
FF: oh, me? work / university / rugger / Tarquin’s sisters, boyfriends, best friends wedding
You: so you’ve never tried internet dating then?
FF: oh no! but I don’t need to. (and here’s the kicker) it can’t be THAT bad?
You: [sprain your eyes rolling them so hard]
Try before you buy
Yet, for all these conversations you get to the point where you feel if you don’t ‘try before you buy’ you’ll never hear the end of them (btw, the conversation changes AFTER you’ve said you’ve tried them, but I’ll get to that in another post).
So you have the following pick of hell holes to try:
- Bumble – relatively new, on the same principle as Tinder, with fewer miscreants a. because it’s new, and b. because women have to initiate the conversation.
UPDATE: since writing this a year ago I understand men behave like basking sharks, aka swipe right on everyone then wait for women to contact them so they can behave like utter fucking bastards and either ghost or unmatch… lazy c*nts.
- Tinder – if you’re outside London (which I am), it’s full of four types of men:
a. sweaty middle aged men who read the Sun, like football, cheap lager
b. BDSM fans looking for submissive women
c. men who look like they’ve used their arrest mugshots (and probably have)
d. men cheating on their wives/girlfriends (half of which pass themselves off as polyamorous).
Tinder? they should rename it hookup-hellhole.
- The League – a ‘premium’ platform that has a waitlist to join, is not available in a lot of cities and has a primary base of millennials. You get 5 prospects a day and when you run out, they give you men who are several thousand miles away (and require airfare & a visa for a first date). I’ve had one match in two months… definitely NOT worth the money.
- Happn – when you pass someone with the app on their phone it registers on yours – a much better selection of men. It’s got a rather nasty dark pattern built into its match programme that should be binned.
- Match – RUN AWAY… if you like the prospect of ANYONE being able to send you messages, then this is right up your street. Probability of finding someone who has all the confidence of a white man and none of the charm of a gentleman, HIGH, very high. Probability of finding someone you could, oh, I don’t know match with? slim to zero, there’s better chance of not catching an STD at university.
- Match Affinity – RUN AWAY… weird dark patterns that just, well… I don’t really want 55 year old men who have never had a girlfriend trying to talk to me. The assumption being that because you both happen to be on that site you must be attracted to all the men on there.
There’s not a snowballs chance in hell I’d be interested. Unless they happen to be George Clooney’s long lost twin. But for some reason they kept showing my profile to men like this, even though I’d told the site I wasn’t interested.
- Hinge – Looked great on paper, in reality… it’s a cheap gimmick that doesn’t appear to work.
Note – since writing this, I’ve heard it’s brilliant. That said the person telling me this lived in a very large tech city in the US. Possibility of it being great in rural Wiltshire? I’d say slim to none.
- OK Cupid – I would have said ‘better’ but my experience on here, or more specifically one person I met on here is the cause for me dusting down the blog, and this series of posts.
In essence tho, this site seems to have a larger quotient of sexual deviants (or today’s little nugget of joy, the 25 year old who passed himself off as 35 and works in ‘banking’ but works part-time in the adult entertainment industry )
Yes, ladies (and the odd gent), this is the sum total of my experience of these sites.
3 first dates. 1 second date. a shit load of weirdos.
6 months in, and I’m pretty much where I was when I started, only even more jaded with the process.
Stay tuned for the next post in this series.